Through My Window

10 Things You Want For Christmas:

1. TomTom
2. Subscription to Vogue
3. Buckle Jeans
4. Wrist Watch
5. Toms Shoes
6. WWF Hoodie
7. Target Gift Cards
8. Socks
9. Borders Gift Cards
10. Pilot Pens

9 Musicians/Bands You Love:

1. Amplexus
2. Gym Class Heroes
3. Band of Horses
4. Every Time I Die
5. The Dear Hunter
6. Amy Winehouse
7. Motion City Soundtrack
8. Hanson
9. Genesis/Phil Colins

8 Things You Do Everyday:

1. Wake up
2. Smile
3. Brush my teeth
4. Go somewhere
5. Drink coffee
6. Talk to Jessica
7. Put on clothes
8. Take a deep breath

7 Things I Enjoy:

1. My friends
2. Eating
3. Drinking coffee
4. Going to School
5. Dressing cute
6. Reading
7. Tumbling

6 Things That Will ALWAYS Win Your Heart:

1. Black coffee
2. Hugs out of no where
3. Cupcakes
4. A new book
5. Snuggling
6. Baking together

5 Quotes:

1. “Hey you, show me them boobies”
2. “Let’s spend the night together, wake up and live forever”
3. “Steady your heart baby this one might hurt”
4. “come with us. I’ll buy you a 9 dollar beer if you drink with us, please”
5. “if she doesn’t reach over and lift up that button so you could get in that means shes a selfish broad, and only seeing the tip of the iceburg. you dump her and you dump her fast.”

4 Smells You Enjoy:

1. Coffee
2. Fresh baked bread
3. Spring
4. Autumn

3 Place You Want To Go:

1. California
2. Europe
3. EVERYWHERE

2 Holidays You Love:

1. Earth Day
2. Halloween

1 Person You Would Marry On The Spot:

1. Matthew Gray Gubler

I'll do my best

Trying to explain to other people how you fell is hard. It is especially hard when you, yourself, don’t know how you actually feel. I don’t think it’s sadness but part of it could be. I’m not sad enough to cry. I know I’m not angry. I think I’m still happy. I could be hungry. I might be sleepy. I’m sure as hell not lonely. I don’t think I need any particular thing that I don’t already have right now. I guess I just can’t seem to put my finger on it.

Last night, as I was fooling around on my computer looking at old pictures, I came across an old conversation that I saved. I saved it because it made me smile. I saved it because one day, like last night, I would come across it and it would make me smile again. Well, as it turns out, all it did was make me sad. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the memory! The memory makes me so happy, but I’m scared all it will be is a memory from here on out.

I am the happiest girl in the world, any other day besides today. Jessica says I am allowed to have bad days. I believe her, I just don’t want to have them. No one really wants a bad day. When I get bogged down with trying to fix everyone I tend to forget about myself and that’s when I get like this. I miss myself.

Maybe I’m spending too much time with myself, though. And maybe this is because I’m not helping other people. Because I’m stuck at home and I can’t reach out. Maybe it’s the rain. Maybe I’m thinking too hard.

Maybe I’m hungry.

Indiana Jones!

I don’t know how the conversation started but this is how it ended up:


We can dress up like Indiana Jones and go discover the arc of the covenant.

Haha for sure!

I’m carrying the whip and the hat though. and you can dress up like the asian kid.

But, I’m kinda afraid of asians. And I don’t want to yell INDY when I get lost or when you are in trouble.

“MEEESTER JOAANNSS”

Can’t I just be like a new character who is just like some girl that likes rocks and jewels and caves and shit?

I guess if you want, I feel like its important that I rescue you from nazis and we run to my old tan jeep in a hail of gunfire.

Only if I am kinda wounded and bloody with your shirt wrapped around my wounds and wearing something scandalous.

Hell yeah! Ill totally get knifed in the chest and you can give me first aid in a hazily lit room. Sexy music, fade to black. THEN WELL FIGHT SNAKES!

Haha and soldiers at the same time while the city we are in is getting bombed.

With a golden monkey in my pocket and an indian guy pushing fruit stands everywhere.

Haha, I love India, this is awesome. We have some crazy guy leading us out of the country trying to fight off his own people and we fly away in a hot air balloon.

Except as soon as we get off the ground, we realize that the basket has a ton of cobras in it.

And the only way to kill them is to slice their heads off with the swords we got when we traveled to China that we just so happened to have with us.

YES! Mine is definitely a huge saber with a golden rat head with ruby eyes at the base of the handle.

In the process though I slice the hot air balloon and we fall into a body of water.

We manage to swim to a tropical island, but when we get there, we discover a human skull in the jungle! “Something about this doesn’t feel right”

*shakes water out of hair and walks up the beach*

*whistles*

A TRIBE OF HEAD HUNTING PIRATES!

An arrow sticks in the tress right by your head as we escape into a watery cave

There we find a young child with his face painted with war paint trying to escape his own family (some how we lost our leader) and he guides us through the jungle to fruit we can eat since we haven’t eaten in 3 days.

We eat obscene amounts of jungle food and pass out in our palm shelter. We wake up to strange sounds in the darkness.

The pirates followed our foot prints and we have to swing from vines to the treetops. At the other side of the island we find a small raft and jump on.

As we drift to sea, we notice that the water around us is seething with moray eels!

Luckily the little boy taught you how to play to flute to tame the eels and we see land ahead. But what land is it? DUN DUN DUN

As we approach the mysterious landmass, a dense fog rolls in around us…

We are greeted with a giant ceremony and draped in jewels.

An elaborate feast is prepared in out honor, and we are led into a beautifully decorated chamber.

Where we find out we were a reincarnated king and queen and they want to send us back to the grave.

I grab a torch off the wall and set the hut on fire, and I get trapped by a falling beam.

We have to find the back entrance to the cave to escape and all we have is a torch.

As we wade through the treacherous underground river, we spot a pinprick of light ahead.

Since you have a stick of dynamite we put i in the hole so we can fit out but first we jump back under water to avoid the explosion.

The blast blows a huge hole in the cave wall and we are swept over a water fall.

“holy shit this adventure is going on forever. All I wanted was a sandwich, Where are we?”

“At quiznos”

“we should just keep going. I want Jimmy Johns”

Fuck yeah, its just on the other side of this GORGE THAT GOES ALL THE WAY TO HELL.

So then we fall down a hole to travel through the center of the earth.

Where we find Brendan Frasier and dinosaurs.

Brendan thinks he actually is in a mummy movie and starts fighting us with a whip.

Good things he’s a pussy and I just fucking shoot him.

And then I grab a raptor and we ride it out of the center of the earth!

Yessssssss. Bareback raptor riding is my all time favorite past time.

And the you liked the raptor!

And get salmonella.

And then we died?

Hell no. Would Indiana Jones let that slow him down?

Then what?

Well, we cloned the raptor and started a prehistoric theme park of course.

And then we started Jurassic park and invited every 8 year old on planet earth.

And some fat dude tried to steal our dino dna in a shaving cream can.

And I have to distract him with my good looks while we have the head hunting 8 year old jump o him and drag him out of the park.

Ill do my best to stay focused then.

I’ll slap you in order.

I’m not sure if that will help or just be more distracting.

Hahahaha I got a sweatshirt from the gift shop.

Seriously? They’re just cheap sweatshirts with dinos on them, so overpriced.

Well since we own it I just took it. I can’t distarct you because someone let the dinosaurs out.

*grabs my guns*

We should kill all the dinosaurs in the park first.

But they’re my life’s work.

No they aren’t. They only took ten minutes to make.

Yeah, but they could be my life’s work! Meet me at the t-rex enclosure.

The t-rex is gone…..

Lucky for you I’m going to use my latest invention to transform myself into THE GREATEST RAPTOR ALIVE!



Later we had to defeat Godzilla off the coast of Japan.

A few days later we ended up joining the underground monster truck racing circuit.

We gotta come up with a name for the truck though. And we both need huge mustaches.

Sounds perfect. I’ll start cutting the sleeves off some shirts and watching nascar now.

Like school buses and flaming junk cars. Then we can fight the flamethrowing Godzilla thing.

Good, we can go get our Steve Miller Band tattoos and go hunting with the money.

Right, it has to match my camo spray painted pickup truck with the gun rack in the back.

Right over the confederate flag. It’s all 20 feet off the right ground, cause I lifted the truck. Even though I bought it for 200 dollars.

And my spit bottles, of course. Are those bud cans in the back?

Let’s go back to my trailer and fight. We can fight until you call the cops and you can argue with them while you’re wasted.

Absolutely. Ill lose 30 pounds and come out in a wife beater and marlboro hat.
Ill tell them all about how you always hit me when I come home from my factory job, and then go to your mothers. Then you can call me an alcoholic.

Its just been so hard since my ma got sick and moved in, and GODDAMMIT THE PRICE OF WHISKEY WENT UP AGAIN!

I just hope they don’t find the methlab in the shed.

Don’t you mean the 711 we knocked over? Me not smurt enough for bank robbin

Crack abuse and domestic violence will do that

Bitch, you been stealing mah ciggarettes again? One of these days woman.


Then we decided we were Bonnie and Clyde!

We’ll drive a studebaker and I’ll have a tommy gun. I need you to have really intense red lipstick.

Ok. And that 20’s hat you have. I wish I had a New York accent.

Good, we’ll drink whiskey and I’ll always have a cigarette, and we can ride off into the sunset. Then get shot by the cops.

January 17th, 2009

We went back to the bus and had a jam session with Tim and his beats. His cousin left. We chilled a little longer and then got kind of bored. Everyone was getting ready for bed and the show was over so we decided to go walk around. We cruised through the stadium, him on his segway and me on my feet.

While sitting on the bus after that adventure we decided it was time for a bowl. We had a secret mission behind the bus to make sure no one could see us. He drug his finger through the dirt on the side of the bus and tagged a revolver and his name. On the other side he tagged his name along with “CAF”, “MIH” and “Upstate New York”. It was beautiful until it made him sad. I hate that. It makes my heart hurt and I can always see it in his eyes.

We smoked a cigarette outside alone. He threw snow into this fan that was running to see if it would do anything and then realized it probably didn’t matter because it was snowing into the fan anyway. And then I did it, or at least tried:

“Standing next to the bus reminded me of when I stood out in the cold, next to the bus to keep warm to wait for you to come out so I could ask you to prom. I told everyone I came with that I wasn’t leaving until I saw you. You were probably like ‘this little girl’ and then you gave me your phone number and I think I died.”

“Haha, yeah. You were crying and I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t think people cared about us at all”

“I cared about you. I still care about you. You are like my best friend. I love you…”

“I love you too”

*insert most amazing hug of my life*

“…you mean the world to me. I really don’t know what I would do with out you. You helped me through so much, I really just want to do the same for you!”

“Now don’t go getting all heavy on me. I can’t take that right now.”

We got back on the bus and watched some of Ray. Alan came to pick me up and I said bye. That kiss was long, but I dreamt that it lasted forever. I’m sitting on my Grandma and Grandpas old couch from the living room, at Alans apartment, eating yogurt covered raisins and I can still taste it. I swear I’ll give this hoodie back tomorrow but I needed to sleep in it just once.

All I ask is that you don’t think I am crazy. I don’t think you will because I think you know what this kind of love feels like and I think you know what it does to you. Greg is the only person that really has ever heard me explain in full detail how I feel about you and known what I was talking about.

Tomorrow is going to be wonderful. I want to thank Angela for letting me do this on my own. I want to thank Alan for letting me stay at his apartment tonight. I need to thank you for everything ever that you have and will do for me. I wish I could do everything in the world to make you the happiest person alive.

I just got sick to my stomach reading this. I don’t even know what to do.